I am amazed and grateful for my escape

I'm not sure why I am here tonight, and I am not sure where this will end up. I am not trying to produce a polished piece, but lately I have felt a resurgent desire to have the blessings of journaling. And lying in bed tonight praying, I was overwhelmed with some feelings I'll go ahead and express here without any apology or regard for modesty. They are mine in all their unreserved humanity.

I came out from the Father for some great purpose. And I wish to fulfill that purpose.

Whew! How can it be that I have escaped the entanglements of this world? How can it be that I have seen and felt and known? My skin is saved! The jaws of the trap slammed shut millimeters from my escape!

I lived to 37 years earnestly desiring to know of the things of eternity. I am sure I was and am largely a slacker, a jerk, a tyrant, and a snob. "But somewhere in that wicked, miserable past, there must have been a moment of truth." For in my time of crisis, when blaming the world would no longer do, when I begged Heaven scramble and re-mold me for good, rob me of my dearly beloved lies, and show me the scary truth, God showed me a whole new and glorious reality.

I had many excuses and arguments why I must be entangled in the world. I could have continued like that until the days of my time in the world were used up. I could have been taken before I made this greater escape. And I suppose it would have been well. My time would not have been in vain. But having seen, felt, and known unspeakable things, I feel to shout Hallelujah now. And I live daily in anticipation of what discovery and escape for me is around the next corner.

But somehow this single escape was central. I will continue learning of my quirks and how to better relate to and love my neighbor. And in that sense I will continue escaping my limitations. But it was in this central escape that I joined the host of souls whose hearts turn in a blinding and glorious miracle from the deceitfulness of riches and the cares of the world to the treasure of heaven. I joined the host who would hope to lay down their own life rather than shed the blood of a brother. And I became the brother of mankind, unable any more to keep wearing the blinders that allow me to put self ahead of household and household ahead of global neighbor.

I thank Thee, O God, for remembering me and for leading me along through this life. I thank thee for revealing to me the simple and peaceful way. I thank thee that I have, as I suppose, another so many years to live here. And I ask thee to bless me to turn to thee that I may glorify thee and bring delight and salvation to my own soul and those of my household, people, faith house, and community. Amen.